Brats in Public
I am going to admit here in a public forum that I have a problem with OPK (Other People's Kids). I don't think all OPK are bad, but the ones who are certainly cast a negative light on all of them.
Once upon a time there used to be standards your children had to meet while out in public: Use indoor voices, don't touch, no whining, stay with Mom and Dad. Now it seems that Mom and Dad think it is perfectly reasonable to drop children off in the kids section of a store so they can browse the rest of the store at their leisure. They have no second thoughts about it. They do not care if their children are destroying merchandise or if a friendly stranger has struck up a conversation with their vulnerable child. (I have seen videos of adult men coming up to children in the toy section of the store and exposing themselves.) Many times I have had a crying child come up to me because she cannot find Mommy and she's scared. Occasionally the parents are looking for their child as well, but mostly they do not notice when you return their child to them, and they go back to ignoring the kid and doing whatever it was they were doing when you bothered them to return their child. But have no fear, it is quite easy to make the parent of a destructive child show up in two seconds flat: tell their little angel it is not OK for them to pull everything off the shelves, or climb on the fixtures, or rip up the store's goods. The parent suddenly materializes out of nowhere, screaming at you not to speak to their little darling that way. You learn quickly: the child is never wrong. Just ask any teacher who has trouble controlling a kid. If you call the parents to get them involved, you just might end up on the losing end of the situation.
I have seen other kids who are just plain obnoxious. Sometimes it isn't their fault: it's three in the afternoon, their parents have been dragging them around from store to store for hours, they're hungry and tired. Sometimes the parents just ignore the child, continuing to browse at their leisure. Sometimes the parent yells at the kid for acting up. The solution is easy: take the kid home and back to their normal routine. Why is that so difficult for some people? Sometimes there is a bribe involved: be good and I'll buy you something. The kid learns (with amazing speed) that if they are naughty, they will get a toy/book/candy bar. HUH??? All I can say about these kids is they are going to be really really suprised when they bust up a store as a teenager and they get to go to the police station instead of getting a video game!
I had three kids by the time I was 23. My ex-husband worked in many upscale clubs, and our children were always welcome in these environments. At first they were just an amusement for the bridge club ladies. After that they went to various dinners and always behaved well. They knew what was expected of them. We went to many restaurants when they were little - nice ones and regular ones. We had no problem with spanking the kids in public. We brought them things to do. And we always did two things religiously: before we entered we told them exactly how we expected them to behave, and we praised them regularly when they met those expectations. Our kids knew it was good for us to tall them they were being good, but it was even better when the staff or other patrons praised them. I still praise OPK when they are good. I'll say something like "I'll bet your Mommy is really proud of you for being so good." The kid feels good about himself, the parents feel good about themselves.
In stores my children always had to hold hands with me and each other. If hands are in other hands they cannot be touching things. They asked for things of course, and 99% of the time I said no. (If it was something reasonable, like "Mommy can we get some orange juice?" I'd go along.) But there were no toys in the toy aisle and no candy bars at the check out. They knew that, and eventually stopped asking. It DOES take a while to train a child that they will not get something in every store. And it isn't easy. But they do learn. And then, when you DO choose to buy them something out of the blue, it is a special treat. It's not just a toy they play with for ten minutes and forget for eternity. It's not about the toy - it never is. It's about the power. I never let my children have the power.
I wasn't a perfect parent, and I'm still not. But I think I've done OK so far. The oldest starts driving soon, so we'll see how that goes. I trust him, and I don't think there will be many problems. I think if parents just establish a LOT of boundaries with their kids, they can be reasonably sure that their kids will be welcome in any store or restaurant. If you're offended by a business banning fussy children or by nasty glares from other people, YOU need to work hard to make certain that your kids exceed expectations.
Once upon a time there used to be standards your children had to meet while out in public: Use indoor voices, don't touch, no whining, stay with Mom and Dad. Now it seems that Mom and Dad think it is perfectly reasonable to drop children off in the kids section of a store so they can browse the rest of the store at their leisure. They have no second thoughts about it. They do not care if their children are destroying merchandise or if a friendly stranger has struck up a conversation with their vulnerable child. (I have seen videos of adult men coming up to children in the toy section of the store and exposing themselves.) Many times I have had a crying child come up to me because she cannot find Mommy and she's scared. Occasionally the parents are looking for their child as well, but mostly they do not notice when you return their child to them, and they go back to ignoring the kid and doing whatever it was they were doing when you bothered them to return their child. But have no fear, it is quite easy to make the parent of a destructive child show up in two seconds flat: tell their little angel it is not OK for them to pull everything off the shelves, or climb on the fixtures, or rip up the store's goods. The parent suddenly materializes out of nowhere, screaming at you not to speak to their little darling that way. You learn quickly: the child is never wrong. Just ask any teacher who has trouble controlling a kid. If you call the parents to get them involved, you just might end up on the losing end of the situation.
I have seen other kids who are just plain obnoxious. Sometimes it isn't their fault: it's three in the afternoon, their parents have been dragging them around from store to store for hours, they're hungry and tired. Sometimes the parents just ignore the child, continuing to browse at their leisure. Sometimes the parent yells at the kid for acting up. The solution is easy: take the kid home and back to their normal routine. Why is that so difficult for some people? Sometimes there is a bribe involved: be good and I'll buy you something. The kid learns (with amazing speed) that if they are naughty, they will get a toy/book/candy bar. HUH??? All I can say about these kids is they are going to be really really suprised when they bust up a store as a teenager and they get to go to the police station instead of getting a video game!
I had three kids by the time I was 23. My ex-husband worked in many upscale clubs, and our children were always welcome in these environments. At first they were just an amusement for the bridge club ladies. After that they went to various dinners and always behaved well. They knew what was expected of them. We went to many restaurants when they were little - nice ones and regular ones. We had no problem with spanking the kids in public. We brought them things to do. And we always did two things religiously: before we entered we told them exactly how we expected them to behave, and we praised them regularly when they met those expectations. Our kids knew it was good for us to tall them they were being good, but it was even better when the staff or other patrons praised them. I still praise OPK when they are good. I'll say something like "I'll bet your Mommy is really proud of you for being so good." The kid feels good about himself, the parents feel good about themselves.
In stores my children always had to hold hands with me and each other. If hands are in other hands they cannot be touching things. They asked for things of course, and 99% of the time I said no. (If it was something reasonable, like "Mommy can we get some orange juice?" I'd go along.) But there were no toys in the toy aisle and no candy bars at the check out. They knew that, and eventually stopped asking. It DOES take a while to train a child that they will not get something in every store. And it isn't easy. But they do learn. And then, when you DO choose to buy them something out of the blue, it is a special treat. It's not just a toy they play with for ten minutes and forget for eternity. It's not about the toy - it never is. It's about the power. I never let my children have the power.
I wasn't a perfect parent, and I'm still not. But I think I've done OK so far. The oldest starts driving soon, so we'll see how that goes. I trust him, and I don't think there will be many problems. I think if parents just establish a LOT of boundaries with their kids, they can be reasonably sure that their kids will be welcome in any store or restaurant. If you're offended by a business banning fussy children or by nasty glares from other people, YOU need to work hard to make certain that your kids exceed expectations.
posted by Basskitty @ 11:04 AM
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