Valentine’s Day Cheat Sheet for Men
Men, you have a big test coming up. Hopefully you have already studied for it. But in case you didn’t, I have a little cheat sheet for you. Note: I KNOW this test is incredibly unfair. Kudos to you if you are lucky enough to have a “teacher” who does not believe in tests, but rather observes your progress and makes minor corrections as necessary. The rest of you had better bone up!
First you need to get her a gift. Don’t expect one in return. If you choose well, you might get yours at the end of the day. Gifts can show many things: how much you value your lady (think $), how much you know about her interests and likes (which translates to how much of her mindless banter you listen to), and even what sort of man you are. Women read a LOT into this crap. So it HAS to be good. Here are some suggestions:
Appropriate Valentine’s gifts: flowers, jewelry, personally-designed teddy bear or other stuffed animal, luxury bath/shower items (throw in one of those NICE terry robes like spas use IF you know her size), night/weekend at fancy hotel/resort.
Questionable Valentine’s gifts: lingerie (be sure you KNOW that she likes such things AND her exact size), chocolates (bad if she’s trying to diet), furs, sex books i.e. the Kama Sutra, music/DVD’s.
Inappropriate Valentine’s gifts: gift cards (sorry guys this is the one holiday where the gift has to be meaningful), appliances, tools, sporting goods, household goods, magazine subscriptions, automotive items, groceries, chia pets, space bags, most books, most clothes and anything else that you yourself walk by and think to yourself “Wow, that’s cool!”
Next you are expected to take her out somewhere “romantic”. Standards for which she might be looking are tablecloths, wait staff, wine lists, candles, soft music and a dessert tray. If you find a place with at least two of these items, you’ll score pretty well. Obviously the more items you can check off, the higher your score will go.
Appropriate dinner places: any country club (the dining room, not the bar or the 19th hole), trendy restaurants owned by a chef who appears on TV, any other place you generally avoid because it costs too much and/or they look at you funny if you order Bud Light.
Questionable dinner places: Olive Garden, Grisanti’s, Carlos O’Kelly’s, Applebees, Outback Steakhouse and other mid-scale establishments. If that’s all you have in town it’s ok. If it’s her FAVORITE place, then that’s better than ok. If it’s all you can afford and she knows this (such as in marriage and she keeps the checkbook) it’s ok. But if you take her someplace like this it will be crowded and loud – not conducive to deep romantic conversation. Plus in many of these places there is a good chance you will be easily distracted by something on the TV’s hanging from the ceiling instead of listening to her. Don’t make it harder on yourself.
Inappropriate dinner places: Fast food places, mall food courts, vending machines, cafeterias (yes, even Old Country Buffet), and especially sports bars featuring beautiful waitresses in tiny tight white tank tops and orange shorts. For the same reasons, also avoid any establishment where it is expected that you stuff $1 bills in the performers’ g-strings.
Other helpful hints:
She will expect romantic conversation. This, for the most part, means that you listen to her all night. If you speak at all, make sure it is either to agree with her, say something nice about her, propose marriage, ask her to dance, ask her if she’d like something such as more wine, or (if she likes this sort of thing) tell her what you’d like to do to her when you are alone together.
Look deeply into her eyes. Chicks dig it. She’ll think you’re paying attention.
If you’ve been dating for YEARS or even quite a while and she has hinted that she’d like to get married (you know all the hints) go ahead and pop the question. Have bling in hand. Better yet, think up something corny to do with the ring (but make sure there is no chance she’ll accidentally ingest it). Proposing in front of others is also good. If you wait, thinking everyone gets engaged on Valentine’s Day or you’d like to do something cool when she’s not expecting it, you stand the chance of disappointing her. That may lead to you being disappointed, too. Remember, hell hath no fury like a high-maintenance woman who didn't get what she wanted. The upside to all of this is that you can use her reaction to your Valentine's Day efforts as a test of your own. Did you goof up somehow and your lady is gracious and loving anyway? She's a keeper. Did you do everything right and she's still pissed at you for something? I'd suggest throwing that one back in the pond. Did she get you something cool (perhaps a shiny object that beeps or has buttons?) If you think she did it out of love and not obligation then you've got a really good one. She is one of the few who realize that Valentine's Day may not be all about her. Good luck, Gentlemen!
Men, you have a big test coming up. Hopefully you have already studied for it. But in case you didn’t, I have a little cheat sheet for you. Note: I KNOW this test is incredibly unfair. Kudos to you if you are lucky enough to have a “teacher” who does not believe in tests, but rather observes your progress and makes minor corrections as necessary. The rest of you had better bone up!
First you need to get her a gift. Don’t expect one in return. If you choose well, you might get yours at the end of the day. Gifts can show many things: how much you value your lady (think $), how much you know about her interests and likes (which translates to how much of her mindless banter you listen to), and even what sort of man you are. Women read a LOT into this crap. So it HAS to be good. Here are some suggestions:
Appropriate Valentine’s gifts: flowers, jewelry, personally-designed teddy bear or other stuffed animal, luxury bath/shower items (throw in one of those NICE terry robes like spas use IF you know her size), night/weekend at fancy hotel/resort.
Questionable Valentine’s gifts: lingerie (be sure you KNOW that she likes such things AND her exact size), chocolates (bad if she’s trying to diet), furs, sex books i.e. the Kama Sutra, music/DVD’s.
Inappropriate Valentine’s gifts: gift cards (sorry guys this is the one holiday where the gift has to be meaningful), appliances, tools, sporting goods, household goods, magazine subscriptions, automotive items, groceries, chia pets, space bags, most books, most clothes and anything else that you yourself walk by and think to yourself “Wow, that’s cool!”
Next you are expected to take her out somewhere “romantic”. Standards for which she might be looking are tablecloths, wait staff, wine lists, candles, soft music and a dessert tray. If you find a place with at least two of these items, you’ll score pretty well. Obviously the more items you can check off, the higher your score will go.
Appropriate dinner places: any country club (the dining room, not the bar or the 19th hole), trendy restaurants owned by a chef who appears on TV, any other place you generally avoid because it costs too much and/or they look at you funny if you order Bud Light.
Questionable dinner places: Olive Garden, Grisanti’s, Carlos O’Kelly’s, Applebees, Outback Steakhouse and other mid-scale establishments. If that’s all you have in town it’s ok. If it’s her FAVORITE place, then that’s better than ok. If it’s all you can afford and she knows this (such as in marriage and she keeps the checkbook) it’s ok. But if you take her someplace like this it will be crowded and loud – not conducive to deep romantic conversation. Plus in many of these places there is a good chance you will be easily distracted by something on the TV’s hanging from the ceiling instead of listening to her. Don’t make it harder on yourself.
Inappropriate dinner places: Fast food places, mall food courts, vending machines, cafeterias (yes, even Old Country Buffet), and especially sports bars featuring beautiful waitresses in tiny tight white tank tops and orange shorts. For the same reasons, also avoid any establishment where it is expected that you stuff $1 bills in the performers’ g-strings.
Other helpful hints:
She will expect romantic conversation. This, for the most part, means that you listen to her all night. If you speak at all, make sure it is either to agree with her, say something nice about her, propose marriage, ask her to dance, ask her if she’d like something such as more wine, or (if she likes this sort of thing) tell her what you’d like to do to her when you are alone together.
Look deeply into her eyes. Chicks dig it. She’ll think you’re paying attention.
If you’ve been dating for YEARS or even quite a while and she has hinted that she’d like to get married (you know all the hints) go ahead and pop the question. Have bling in hand. Better yet, think up something corny to do with the ring (but make sure there is no chance she’ll accidentally ingest it). Proposing in front of others is also good. If you wait, thinking everyone gets engaged on Valentine’s Day or you’d like to do something cool when she’s not expecting it, you stand the chance of disappointing her. That may lead to you being disappointed, too. Remember, hell hath no fury like a high-maintenance woman who didn't get what she wanted. The upside to all of this is that you can use her reaction to your Valentine's Day efforts as a test of your own. Did you goof up somehow and your lady is gracious and loving anyway? She's a keeper. Did you do everything right and she's still pissed at you for something? I'd suggest throwing that one back in the pond. Did she get you something cool (perhaps a shiny object that beeps or has buttons?) If you think she did it out of love and not obligation then you've got a really good one. She is one of the few who realize that Valentine's Day may not be all about her. Good luck, Gentlemen!
posted by Basskitty @ 5:23 PM
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